Carrie - He's Acting Weird

Jules:
My BF Adam(27) & I(26) have been dating for 3 years. Lately, he's been acting really strange. He's not affectionate, doesn't want to have sex, and hardly comes over. I spoke to him about it and he says he's working a lot and for me to have patience. Any ideas of what I should or what is going on? I'm at a loss.
Carrie

Carrie:
A couple things come to mind. First, and not to jump to a bad conclusions but could he be cheating? Do you guys live together? How long has this been going on?
Second thought maybe he is working.. Maybe he's planning something hint hint and trying to save up some extra cash.. There could be a lot of things. I think what you need to do is sit down with him and have a nice heart to heart. You can tell a lot about what is really going on by the way he speaks to you. Does he make eye contact? Is he getting red in the face?

Have a talk with him you'll learn a lot about what's going on through that talk. Pay attention to the signs. If he is cheating the signs have been there but you weren't looking for them.. Sounds to me that maybe he is working a lot. Hope it works out for you.
Jules

Elizabeth - 15 & Heartbroken

This one really touched my heart. It took me a little longer than usual to respond because I it took me back 13 years and I remember all those feelings. "Elizabeth" I hope you will let me know how you're doing..

I"m sorry for my late response but I needed some time to think about your situation. I'm 28 years old so I have been where you are.. exactly where you are actually. When I was a freshman I started dating a Junior. At first things were great. He was attentive, sweet, courtesy, perfect boyfriend. Like you, I was involved in sports. I played tennis, softball, ran track, marching band, choir, you name it I was in it. At first my bf was supportive but then he things got weird.

Like you, I usually ended up doing things I didn't want to do. After I lost my virginity, he had complete control over me. You & I are a lot alike "Elizabeth". I too thought of dropping all my activities so I wouldn't be so tired and could hang out with him more. I often told myself that it was me causing the fights and I need to be more agreeable. I was 15, he was 17. Eventually things got violent and it took a pretty serious incident to finally break away from him..

It took a lot of therapy to rid myself of all the things he made me believe. I was never good enough, skinny enough, pretty enough, I should have been privileged to be with him.. yada yada. when in reality it was he should have been privileged to be with me!

The reason I'm telling you this is so you understand that I do know where you are coming from. I went back and read my journal from my freshman year and your email could have come out of journal verbatim... Scary how the situations are so similar.

Now on to my advice.

Don't call him. Honestly, he doesn't sound like to great of a guy if he dropped you when he knew you needed him. Also, men like to chase. If you really think he's the one for you make him chase you.

Remember he's a teenage boy. As a women you are more mature than he is, and therefore are capable of making rational decisions. Him flirting with a girl in front of you was done to make you jealous. You reacted exactly how he wanted you too. Stop reacting to him. It will make him wonder why you stopped "caring"

Stop worrying about him. Spend time with friends, your dad, and any brother & sisters. Stay away from his friends. Try not to include yourself in his inner circle. If he feels like you are trying to take his friends or sway there opinions, that will push him farther away. Instead, stay busy with your friends & activities.. there is nothing a man hates more than being ignored or feeling left out.

Most importantly, take care of you. I want you to look in the mirror and name 5 things you LOVE about yourself. One thing you said that really bothers me is this " I on the other hand, I'm built like a model, but have only an alright face." I hate it that you feel that way! You are beautiful, young, healthy, wonderful person! Yes i don't know you personally but you obviously have a big heart otherwise you wouldn't have written to me.

If you want him back use the steps I wrote for you. But if I were you I'd run the other way. From what you've described he could be my high school boyfriends twin brother. Not saying he's a bad guy because I don't know him.. But there are likenesses in the two that worry me. Remember this is high school. I promise you in 3 years you will look back at this and laugh. I know that's hard to believe now but you will. Nothing hurts more than a broken heart. But time does and will heal all wounds..

I hope I've helped.. Please let me know how you're doing. I want to hear from you again..

Always Jules
_________________________________________
Dear Jules:

"In march, a boy started liking me, and for a week people told me I should give him a chance, so I started liking him back, not because people told me to, but because I actually liked him. So two weeks after he started liking me, we went out. Things were amazing at first. But, with both of us having a busy lifestyle (especially me, with my sports, dance, and school) we tend to have gotten in arguments, and they were all stupid because mainly I would get a little moody."

"On Monday, when I texted him to ask him to come over on Tuesday, because I had a surprise for him, I couldn't get it out. He dumped me. At the time I didn't care, because I was on my way somewhere. But, after I've stepped back and thought about it, it hurt so bad. Other people got involved, especially his friends, who were on my side in the situation, which probably made things worse. But, then everyone told me to relax, and just be friends, and within a week or two, he'd come back. But I don't know if that's the case."


"I really want to be with him again and show him I'm worthy, and people say I can work on that over the summer, whether it be towards the middle we get back together, or the beginning of the next school year. I'm just worried, and I have no idea what to do. Nothing makes me happy anymore, and he was the best thing that ever happened to me. I don't know what to do! Help please?"

Something is Wrong.

Keep sending your emails. I'm replying to you directly. BlogSpot is having some major issues.
I'm here so I will get to your questions.

Have a great day!

Jules

Yes I know!

Hi Everyone. Now sure what is going on with my blog. Half my posts have been deleted. Keep the emails coming & it they won't post on the site I'll email you directly.

Jules

My first fan letter!

I love your blog. But I have to say this one isn't as good as past blogs. I'm also in Indianapolis. I must say you're very beautiful. Do you write about your life or just about topics??
Are you dating anyone? If not I'd love to take you out sometime. I'm 31, tall, tan, single, no kids. I'll email you my picture.. Is Jules you're real name? Or just a pen name?

Email me back.
Brian

Hi Brian:
Thank you for the wonderful compliments. Sometimes I write about my life, sometimes just whatever strikes me.
To answer your question, yes I am dating someone. I have an amazing boyfriend, who I have to admit I am a little head of heels for. He's pretty great. For now, I'll have to pass on dinner. But thank you for the invitation.

Jules

From Candy

Hey Jules:
Came across your blog a few years ago then you disappeared! Glad you're back.
My question; Recently I have been thinking a lot about my ex boyfriend Jason. We broke up because he cheated on me. But now I think I forgive him. Should I call him??

Candy

Hi Candy!
Thanks I'm glad I'm back too. Now if only I could get paid for this stuff.
You're question. I have a few thoughts.
1. Sure call him. BUT be prepared for what you may not want to hear. He could be dating someone, married, having a child etc. Prepare you're self for the worst possible scenario.
2. Do you really forgive him? How long has it been since the relationship ended? Have you dated since? When a relationship is over & time passes it's easy to forget all the reasons it ended. You only remember the good time. When in some cases, the bad far exceeds the good.
3. Be ok with you first. I know that sounds stupid but it's true. Read any relationship book & it will give you the same basic line. You have to love yourself before you can truly love another. It took a long time for me to understand that.. But I think I finally got it.

Lastly, if he truly made you happy. No one compares to him etc. Call him. Only you know what is right for you. I say go for it.. you only live once.
Ok candy that's my 3cents. Hope it helps. Keep me posted.

Jules

Angie

Jules. You're my best friend. Should I try again with Tony or get a divorce??

Angie:
Grr.. You should just call me! I can't tell you what to do honey. Only you know what is right. I can only give my opinion & tell you no matter what you do, I will ALWAYS be here for you.. Always.
Love you!
Jules

I know!

I know I know.. I haven't returned emails. I haven't responded to anything. I've been busy.

The Tragic Words

Wow, its been a while. I haven't written anything in months.. I think I've really missed it. Here it goes..

I'm a strong women. I can do anything, be anything I want.. then why can't I turn my brain off? I wish I could be one of those people who did not internalize everything. Sometimes I wish I could be oblivious to the world and not worry about the day to day things. I wish I didn't always put others feelings ahead of my own. Damn, I wish I wasn't this smart.

The problem.. Well.. As we all know I have trust issues. I always expect the worst in people. I guess so I won't be surprised when they disappoint me. Men, as with most women are the root of most problems. Well not men in general, just the men we have relationships with. I let go of the good ones and keep the ones that aren't good for me.. I often wonder, how do so many women fall into this trap. My last two relationship have started off perfectly. We adore each other, enjoy each others company, have a great time together.. then the bomb is dropped. What the hell!

When do you decide enough is enough. Do you hang around and get hurt now or delay the inevitable? It's an interesting plight. But when emotions are involved do we ever think clearly? I've decided that everything gets messed up when one says those three tragic words, " I love you." Oh how many hearts have been broken by simply using that phrase..

When you know your current situation/relationship is not going to end well; and you know there is absolutely zero chance of escaping without getting hurt, what do you do? Do you continue to holding on to "I love him" or do you look at the reality of it all and realize you are worth more and walk away? When is enough, enough??????

After thought.. How do you know if he really loves you back?????

Past Pieces: THERE'S A WALL BETWEEN US

When I fall for someone, I give my heart completely. I don't hold back. But it takes time for me to completely let my guard down. And what I've learned is that I can't let my guard down with someone who doesn't have HIS down.
Love is an all or nothing proposition. It requires opening yourself up, making yourself vulnerable. It requires listening to the other person, showing you care...treating that person with kindness. But, most of all, it requires letting someone into your heart.
I used to be in the business of tearing down men's walls. In fact, I've wasted countless months of my life doing that. I'd meet a man who was handsome, personable, and had his life together. Then gradually, as I'd get to know him, I'd find that I really wasn't getting to know him at all. But most importantly, he really wasn't getting to know ME.
Then one day, I realized I had my own wall. As long as I was dating a man who was emotionally unavailable, I didn't have to open up to him. I was so busy trying to chisel through his wall that I didn't have time to worry about him getting too close to me. A man with a wall can't really hurt you. Not like a man who lets you in can.
And that's the interesting part. A man with a wall around him doesn't break your heart. Generally he just stays on his side of the wall and lets you wear yourself out trying to get through it. Then one day you give up and go away and he just shrugs and adds you to the long list of women who have "hurt him." It's an interesting way to date. Easy for him, just not so easy for you.
You think, maybe I just need to be patient. Maybe he wants me to break down those walls. It's easy to fall into that trap. You find yourself caring deeply for him. Your heart breaks to see how much he hurts and you want to help him. You want to be the one to make him love again. You certainly don't want to be the next woman to hurt him. But every time, you find yourself feeling lonely in the relationship. It's always the same.
He looks at you but doesn't SEE you.
He gives you constant excuses for why he can't spend time with you.
He's distant. Standing beside you but never quite...THERE.
Eventually you come to the conclusion that this man cannot be saved. This man will never love you the way he loved that woman who broke his heart two years ago. This man likes his wall...and he stays on the other side of it because that's exactly where he wants to be.
Ever see The Shawshank Redemption? Remember how Tim Robbins' character spent years chiseling through a wall using a small rock hammer? It's a beautiful story. It tells about persistence and patience and how eventually it will pay off. So it's easy to believe, when you meet one of these men, that if you just have enough patience, eventually you'll make a tiny hole in that wall that you can make bigger and bigger so that you can finally get through.
It's easy to believe that...and maybe it's true. But at what price? Your own happiness? YEARS of your life? Ask yourself...is it worth it? Or maybe it's better to find someone who is ready to receive all this love you're able to give. Maybe it's time to put down the rock hammer, get up, and walk out of that prison cell. Leave him to the darkness and go find some light.
Sometimes, though, I wonder if there's a man out there who doesn't have a wall. It's beginning to look unlikely. Maybe a rock hammer is the only option.

Back By Popular Demand

Hello Again:

After taking so much needed time off, I've decided to start blogging again. I realized I am much more relaxed when I get my thoughts out of my head. Oh and I'm so tired of the emails! "Jules when are you going to be open for business!"

I appreciate all the emails and I am so glad someone found my blog interesting.

As before if you email me, I will try my best to answer your questions or write about your topic..
Enjoy!