Past Pieces: THERE'S A WALL BETWEEN US

When I fall for someone, I give my heart completely. I don't hold back. But it takes time for me to completely let my guard down. And what I've learned is that I can't let my guard down with someone who doesn't have HIS down.
Love is an all or nothing proposition. It requires opening yourself up, making yourself vulnerable. It requires listening to the other person, showing you care...treating that person with kindness. But, most of all, it requires letting someone into your heart.
I used to be in the business of tearing down men's walls. In fact, I've wasted countless months of my life doing that. I'd meet a man who was handsome, personable, and had his life together. Then gradually, as I'd get to know him, I'd find that I really wasn't getting to know him at all. But most importantly, he really wasn't getting to know ME.
Then one day, I realized I had my own wall. As long as I was dating a man who was emotionally unavailable, I didn't have to open up to him. I was so busy trying to chisel through his wall that I didn't have time to worry about him getting too close to me. A man with a wall can't really hurt you. Not like a man who lets you in can.
And that's the interesting part. A man with a wall around him doesn't break your heart. Generally he just stays on his side of the wall and lets you wear yourself out trying to get through it. Then one day you give up and go away and he just shrugs and adds you to the long list of women who have "hurt him." It's an interesting way to date. Easy for him, just not so easy for you.
You think, maybe I just need to be patient. Maybe he wants me to break down those walls. It's easy to fall into that trap. You find yourself caring deeply for him. Your heart breaks to see how much he hurts and you want to help him. You want to be the one to make him love again. You certainly don't want to be the next woman to hurt him. But every time, you find yourself feeling lonely in the relationship. It's always the same.
He looks at you but doesn't SEE you.
He gives you constant excuses for why he can't spend time with you.
He's distant. Standing beside you but never quite...THERE.
Eventually you come to the conclusion that this man cannot be saved. This man will never love you the way he loved that woman who broke his heart two years ago. This man likes his wall...and he stays on the other side of it because that's exactly where he wants to be.
Ever see The Shawshank Redemption? Remember how Tim Robbins' character spent years chiseling through a wall using a small rock hammer? It's a beautiful story. It tells about persistence and patience and how eventually it will pay off. So it's easy to believe, when you meet one of these men, that if you just have enough patience, eventually you'll make a tiny hole in that wall that you can make bigger and bigger so that you can finally get through.
It's easy to believe that...and maybe it's true. But at what price? Your own happiness? YEARS of your life? Ask yourself...is it worth it? Or maybe it's better to find someone who is ready to receive all this love you're able to give. Maybe it's time to put down the rock hammer, get up, and walk out of that prison cell. Leave him to the darkness and go find some light.
Sometimes, though, I wonder if there's a man out there who doesn't have a wall. It's beginning to look unlikely. Maybe a rock hammer is the only option.